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Things You Can Do To Make It Seem Like You Went To The Venice Biennale This Summer1. To get the feeling of the canals of Venice, just seal all your doors and windows, turn your shower on full blast, and flood your apartment. 2. Never use the full names of any Biennale artist. Janet Cardiff's friends call her "Jan," so make like you know her by doing the same. George Bures Miller prefers to go by "G-Diddy." 3. Make other people feel dumber than you by mentioning cutting-edge artists and critics only a privileged few have heard of. Failing that, make up fake names. My suggestions: John Sinilindin, Anne McFarquar, Si Si Penaloza. 4. Learn the proper spelling of Biennale. It's Biennalle. That's Binenelly. Beinele. 5. Remember, if you're not looking around for someone better to talk to when you're talking to someone at an opening, you're not being nearly superficial enough. 6. Make up your own art movements. My suggestions: Intelligent Futurism, Math Art, Rococo Post-modernism (rococopomo), Installation Art. 7. Avoid using the following words: dude, sweet, hooters, integrity.. 8. Remember this fun fact: Ron Mueck's Crouching Boy was painstakingly based upon an actual four-story tall young boy. 9. Madonna's video Like A Virgin was filmed in Venice, so get your leg warmers, bangle bracelets, and frosted lipstick out of the attic so you can look the part. 10. The word "biennale" derives from the Latin "bienilus," meaning, to dress cool and drink cheap wine out of plastic cups. Tell this to as many people as possible. Jason Dunda lives in Chicago and gets all misty eyed when MTV2 plays Bryan Adams. jdunda@artic.edu 13. Lamest Exhibition Names 12. Art Brand Names 11. Disaaah-ster Movies 09. Art Cliches 08. Things Dunda Wants For Xmas 07. School Supplies 06. Sneakers 05. Fizzy Drinks 04. Websites back to the top
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